dear CoT dating advisor...
The other night I was in the neighborhood bar for a beer while I was doing my laundry. A woman was there, having an awful time on a blind date. This guy got incredibly drunk, and was being loud and belligerent. He was even trying to get physical with her in the bar, and she looked upset and embarrassed. With help from the bartender, I managed to calm this guy down and eventually talked him into taking a cab home.
After he was off the scene, we had a good talk and she seemed really into me. She must have texted a girlfriend to come rescue her from the other dude. Her girlfriend showed up and we all had a couple drinks and talked until about 2 in the morning. When it was time to wrap up, she took my hands and said "i really like you! how am I going to see you again?" then she gave me a hug and headed home.
If I would have succumbed to my animal side, I would have just taken advantage of the fact that she was drunk and gone back to her place and nailed her. But, she seemed like a good catch, possibly someone I'd want to be around for a while. I set up a brunch date with her on Saturday. Unfortunately, I had a momentary bout of naievity and didn't get her number. I just gave her mine, thinking she was into me and would just give me a ring. You can see what is coming next -she didn't show up for brunch nor has she called me back. Thus, she either wasn't really into me, or was embarrassed about the whole thing, or was drunk and didn't remember what happened, or lost my number... whatever.
The question is, this woman lives literally around the corner. I used to see her walking around the neighborhood all the time. I'll probably run into her again. What is the appropriate thing to say if I run into her? "hey - you still want to grab brunch sometime?"
April 22nd, 2007 4:30pm
"hey - you still want to grab brunch sometime?"
April 22nd, 2007 5:07pm
If it's not difficult, forget the whole thing and continue with your life. If you feel like you should contact her, don't do the talking. Position yourself in such a way that she notices you but you clearly don't notice her. So she runs into you and not the other way round. If she chooses not to respond even then, save yourself trouble by ignoring her. If she does run into you, don't ask her if she wants to join you for brunch. Instead, add some sarcasm and tell her thanks for joining the brunch the other day.
You already lost points. You'll get still further behind if you invite her again.
April 22nd, 2007 5:09pm
I've taken a guy's number but then got cold feet and was afraid to call him. So that could be it.
If she stands you up again, well, then you know.
April 22nd, 2007 5:10pm
> You already lost points. You'll get still further
> behind if you invite her again.
Nah.. this isn't an episode of three's company or some endless hindi dance flick.
April 22nd, 2007 5:14pm
"hey - you still want to grab brunch sometime?"
I agree, that's good.
April 22nd, 2007 5:52pm
nothing to loose with this phrase
April 22nd, 2007 6:58pm
"nothing to loose"
Nothing to LOSE. Are you illiterate?
Tired of bad writing
April 22nd, 2007 7:13pm
You're wasting your time, move on. The whole brunch thing was the wrong thing to set up, which is why she didn't show. You had already effectively had a date and been her 'knight in shining armour', suggesting brunch was a retrograde step. You should either have gone with the flow and nailed her that night or suggested that she cook you dinner - that would have been the next stage from where you had reached. If you have her number and address and she doesn't have yours she can't cancel either - you just show up at the appointed time.
April 22nd, 2007 7:20pm
Thanks for the replies. This isn't some major issue, i just thought it would be interesting to see what people thought. And, to defend my choice of "brunch," the brunch place in question is known as a great place to take a date.
April 22nd, 2007 9:52pm
I think the moral of this story is don't ever not get the girl's number.
I have met people that I would have spent time with but just never got around to calling them. Women have so many options that it boils down to chance and the man's persistence.
> I think the moral of this story is don't ever not get the girl's number.
Yeah. Oh well...
April 22nd, 2007 10:29pm
> Women have so many options that it boils down to chance and the man's persistence.
> This guy got incredibly drunk, and was being loud and belligerent. He was even trying to get physical with her in the bar, and she looked upset and embarrassed.
The options may turn out to be like what happened as you said.
I agree with Billx that suggesting a brunch was a retorgrade step. If you had had the phone number you'll probably be doing nothing more than recording messages or receiving polite responses of being tied up with something or the other.
Maybe the moral is not to fall for the siren's lure. I mean anything that may look like a signal like you said in your OP:
> When it was time to wrap up, she took my hands and said "i really like you! how am I going to see you again?" then she gave me a hug and headed home.
April 22nd, 2007 11:24pm
"I think the moral of this story is don't ever not get the girl's number. "
that's true. but that doesn't mean that if you get to make contact sometime soon, you can't take it somewhere, maybe.
I also agree that maybe you should have gone with the flow right then and there. If you'd both been into it, she wouldn't have given a crap about "being taken advantage og because she was drunk".
April 23rd, 2007 4:06am
You had the chance to nail her and you didn't. Strike 1.
She was drunk with you in a bar, ready to shag, and you suggest a brunch as your next date. Strike 2.
You didn't ask for her number. Strike 3.
You've probably convinced her that you're gay, or just want to be friends.
She doesn't want a possibly-gay male friend - she wanted a shag (women enjoy it too, you know). That's why she didn't turn up.
April 23rd, 2007 4:22am
No, the only possible strike was strike 3.
If you had shagged her, it probably would have been a one-night stand. However, if you track her down and she still likes you, you've got a shot at a possible relationship.
Depends what you're looking for.
April 23rd, 2007 4:30am
it's always worth following through, in my opinion, if you like someone. what's to lose? even if nothing happens there, maybe she introduces you to her hot friend in a month or two. having female friends is cool, too.
April 23rd, 2007 5:12am
It's only worth following through if you're got nothing better to do. Especially given that with this woman you're now in a bad position than you will need to recover from before you can progress further.
April 23rd, 2007 5:43am
"It's only worth following through if you're got nothing better to do."
well, yeah. that's a truism though. It's also only worth goingto the cinema if you have nothing better to do.
I don't actually see why he's in a bad situation with her. Who knows what is going on with her? Maybe she just had other stuff going on. Maybe she wrote the number down wrong. It doesn't always have to be all or nothing in the first 3 minutes.
April 23rd, 2007 4:30pm
$--, there's an adage in investment which says 'You don't go broke taking a profit'. Isn't what you are suggesting something similar? You say that there's nothing to lose. The way you can make a profit, though a small one, in a single transaction, you can do something where you have nothing much to lose. When you do something where you have nothing much to lose, you will not be able to do something else where you can gain a lot.
When you don't take into account the opportunity cost, everything in itself will always look better. If you include the opportunity cost, on average the chances are more that you have lost more than gained. I think that's what Billx tries to say when he means you can do something like this if you don't have nothing better to do.
April 23rd, 2007 5:00pm
> No, the only possible strike was strike 3.
Women always say that kind of stuff about liking men who behave as gentlemen, and maybe intellectually they believe it. But when these kind of situations actually happen, they usually want the guy to at least try. It's not so much that he didn't shag her, but rather that he gave no real indication that he wanted to.
April 23rd, 2007 5:21pm
What I'm trying to say - is that he indicated that he was keen to (eventually) and she indicated no or not yet - that would be better than him giving no indication at all that he wanted to.
April 23rd, 2007 5:24pm
I wouldn't write the guy off if he hadn't tried that night at the bar.
If he subsequently asked me out and we went out, and he didn't try, or showed purely platonic attention, then I'd start to wonder. But not just from that first encounter.
Come on, not all women are that shallow.
April 23rd, 2007 6:11pm
Agreed, not all. Which is why I used the word "usually".
Many more are that shallow, than would admit it.
That's okay though. Guys are shallow too.
April 23rd, 2007 9:27pm
Yes by saying 'only if you have nothing better to do' I was referring to the time your wasting obsessing over this woman when you could be out there finding someone else.
April 24th, 2007 2:47am