Now I've got to talk to a lawyer on Monday about paying off the mortgage on the house I just bought. I hate lawyers. I just ran through the phone book and found the first guy who listed Real Estate in his ad, because, I mean, really.
And, as it turns out, I never had Crohn's disease at all. It's an allergy to polyester. All I have to do is stay away from synthetic fibers and things will be perfectly normal. This means I have to spend a good chunk of my lottery winnings on silk and cotton clothing. In order to get pure fabrics in the right styles I'll probably have to get most things custom tailored.
My grandmother called me last night to tell me she's leaving me her entire estate because she has decided that her children don't deserve any of it, least of all my meddling aunt Kathryn who has been trying to spend her entire inheritance (and everyone else's) before my grandmother is even dead.
And last night my fiance brought home two hot girlfriends and they all gave me serial blowjobs and insisted that I not service them in return. They brought me slippers and a hot mocha afterward and sat on the couch with me to watch anime naked.
Disneyworld called me and they want me to design their next-generation theme park sited in the Bahamas. On top of the exorbitant contract, I'll be featured as the newest cartoon character and plastered all over the merchandise along with my new cartoon sidekick, Kermit the Frog.
My question is, what do I do? Has anyone ever been in this situation before?