Sanding our assholes with 150 grit. Slowly. Lovingly.

this really just happened to me.

**ring ring**

me: hello?

she: hi honey! how are you? I miss you!

me: hi baby! I love you! What's going on?

she: I just did laundry and am about to make something to eat.

me: Cool. what are you going to eat?

she: I just found some bacon in the freezer. How do I make bacon?

me: er. how do you make it? um. just put it in a frying pan.

she: a frying pan? I don't know how to do that. I'm just going to put it in the microwave.

me: hmm. the frying pan is pretty easy. I wouldn't put it in the microwave, it is going to turn out gross.

she: I don't know how to use a frying pan. Is 20 seconds enough?

me: um. probably longer than that. hey, microwave bacon is going to turn out kind of gross, i think.

she: are you calling me gross?

me: huh? no. what? are you kidding?

she: you are calling me gross.

me: no, I just thought putting bacon in the microwave would be gross.

she: you think I am gross. and fat.

me: what?! I don't think you are gross. or fat.

she: you think I am gross. and fat. and ugly.

me: what? I don't think you are any of those things. are you kidding?

she: you don't love me. you called me gross. and you think I am fat.

me: honey I love you! I don't think you are any of those things. are you joking with me here?

she: you've never loved me. I'm just a joke to you. why are you so mean to me? you think i am fat. and gross. don't you care about me at all?

me: what? are...you...serious?

she: how can you not care about me? I love you so much. You are so insensitive.

me: huh. um. is this a joke? I hope so! however if not I love you and want to know what's wrong.

she: you think I am fat. and don't care about me at all.

me: no. I don't think you are fat. and I love you. where is this coming from?

she: you are a horrible person. you just think I am fat, and gross, and ugly. you don't care about me at all. *sobbing*  *click*


ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!
Permalink women are from mars, men are from venus... 
January 2nd, 2006
takes a stupid man to balls up a conversation that badly.
Permalink Jesus H Christ 
January 2nd, 2006
Well, please let her know that I think she's gross. And high maintenance. And kind of dumb - I mean who doesn't know how to fry bacon? She's probably not fat, but only because she's never figured out how to cook it sounds.
Permalink Art Wilkins 
January 2nd, 2006
Bacon made in the microwave is fine. Where did you get the idea it would be gross?
Permalink  
January 2nd, 2006
Anybody who is preparing bacon on a whim is probably gross and fat.
Permalink Not Berlin 
January 2nd, 2006
Bacon fat makes things slide more easily.
Permalink Thunderpussy 
January 2nd, 2006
Not your usual snack food, I'll grant you that.
Permalink  
January 2nd, 2006
Good bacon can be done fairly well in the microwave, around about 2 minutes for an 800 watt machine. It does have to be good bacon of course, none of your American excuses for bacon.

The only drawback to doing bacon in the microwave is that the inside will be covered with fat.
Permalink Simon Lucy 
January 2nd, 2006
We had a microwave bacon cooker thing which had a little catch at the bottom for the grease. Always seemed to turn out fairly well. And we covered it with a paper towel while it was cooking to prevent the splatters.
Permalink Cory Foy 
January 2nd, 2006
It's *possible* to nuke bacon, just as it's *possible* to nuke scrambled eggs but oh dear, it's not the same.

Put the bacon on a ceramic or glass plate, cover with kitchen paper and zot until acceptably alarmingly hot. It will lack the crispy bits that make bacon bacon, but when dumped between toast and consumed on the run, it's food.
Permalink trollop 
January 2nd, 2006
...with some women, it's a good idea to keep track of their "red days"...
Permalink Kenny 
January 2nd, 2006
Sheesh, that woman is gross.

(BTW flashbacks to my narcissistic repressed-lesbo bitch ex-gf)
Permalink Mr. Powers 
January 2nd, 2006
> she: are you calling me gross?

In the future this is a big red rationality stop sign. You should immediately ask her what's wrong, talk about it, and reassure whatever needs reassuring.

Your response was so classicaly hyperrational male it should be in a museum somewhere.

Oh, microvaved bacon sucks.
Permalink son of parnas 
January 2nd, 2006
microwaved anything sucks...
Permalink Dan 
January 2nd, 2006
Heh... that was funny :)
Permalink Colm O'Connor 
January 2nd, 2006
Even poodles
Permalink Ross 
January 2nd, 2006
son of parnas, I would have responded in exactly the same way, and research shows that I am a woman.

I don't see any lack of reassurance there either.

The only effective way to end the conversation would have been like this:

[3 iterations of her accusing him of calling her fat, gross, etc.]

He: Stop accusing and blaming me now! Stop it! I think you know better than that.

She: [rage rage anger accusation]

He: Hold it! I'm hanging up now.

| She: [bluster accuse whinge]
|
| He: <click>
Permalink Fernanda Stickpot 
January 3rd, 2006

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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