Nobody likes to be called a dummy by a dummy.

break up decision

OK, I messed up. Sort of? I'm dating this woman, for about six months. I was courting her for about a year before. About a month ago she started getting weird about my past relationships. I've barely had any. Apparently when we were in the "just friends" phase I told her the last time I had sex was five years ago. In reality, it was more like eight years ago. (yes, I'm not a player.) I told her five years because I didn't know how to read her opinion at the time, and thought five years was a pretty pathetic stretch of chastity.

Anyway, from other conversations about my old girlfriends, she did the math and determined that I had lied about how long ago this happened. Now for at least six weeks she has been calling me every day, accusing me of lying to her. Last night I went to a pub with my roommate, and this morning she's been ringing me all morning. When we finally spoke, she was on my case: "did any women talk to you? did you talk to any women? are you sure? are you SURE?" Then she brought up my lie, and told me she can't ever trust me, and I better do something about it. She even said that she's probably going to do this for the rest of my life!

She's done this just about every day for a month, and I don't really even go out (aside with her), ever. (i work at a startup and usually work from noon until midnight) I told her I really don't know what I can do anymore, I'm sorry I liked, but that I really can't be with her if she is going to do this to me every day. It makes it really hard for me to focus on work and other things I should be doing.

I am at fault for lying to her, but in my mind her reaction seems too extreme, and indicitive of future badness. I don't want to be in a relationsip where she is constantly accusing me of lying and possibly sleeping around, when she must know on some objective level that all I'm doing is sitting around hacking on this project.

Anyway, she took what I said as "i don't want to be with her and work on this" which is sort of half true at this point. I would like to be with her, but I really don't know what I can do to remedy the situation. And I think she's REALLY overreacting. However, I don't know how women's minds work and maybe I am truly the bad guy here.

I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to get stuff off my mind. Discuss? or something.
Permalink not a player. 
January 17th, 2006
Just tell her you post to ?off. You'll assuage any fears of you being a player then and there.
Permalink Colm O'Connor 
January 17th, 2006
heh. it seems like a good "web 2.0" blog/forum thing for relationship advice would be a very popular site. could be viewed as both entertainment and a public service.
Permalink not a player. 
January 17th, 2006
Tell her that your original answer (five years) was a ballpark estimate, and that you weren't really keeping track. Apologize for misleading, and ask her what else she wants to know to make her feel better about trusting you.

If she continues to berate you, dump her. Even if you like her, life is too short to spend half your time apologizing for skimming over unimportant details.
Permalink thinker 
January 17th, 2006
She's screwing around on you already and is just looking for some drama so she can break it off with you, but wants it to look like your fault.

What do you think she is doing while you are slaving away at work every night until midnight?
Permalink LH 
January 17th, 2006
That could be the case, but seems unlikely, if only from the sheer volume of text messages and phone calls I get during the course of a day.
Permalink not a player. 
January 17th, 2006
Make her watch the movie Chasing Amy, which should hopefully teach her that it doesn't matter who you rolled around in the hay with back then, because you want to be with her now.

I still vote for dumping her if she doesn't let up.
Permalink thinker 
January 17th, 2006
thanks for the advice, thinker. apologizing and asking her what else she wants to know seems like a reasonable thing to do. my gut feeling is that she is looking for some way out of this and wants to make it my fault, for whatever reason. Most likely because she's realizing I really am just a boring guy who hacks at a startup all day.
Permalink not a player. 
January 17th, 2006
"Now for at least six weeks she has been calling me every day, accusing me of lying to her"

That's the point at which I stopped reading. Run.
Permalink Flasher T 
January 17th, 2006
"Make her watch the movie Chasing Amy, which should hopefully teach her that it doesn't matter who you rolled around in the hay with back then, because you want to be with her now."

Better yet, make her watch the move Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and... ah, nevermind. :)
Permalink Flasher T 
January 17th, 2006
run run as fast as you can

why are you even discussing this, guys?
Permalink  
January 17th, 2006
Watch the movie "Straight to Hell". It's got Joe Strummer in it and the Pogues.
Permalink PanogX 
January 17th, 2006
"Now for at least six weeks she has been calling me every day, accusing me of lying to her"

Geez - A daily nag session? Boy that has to give you wood! Tell her she was very smart to figure it out, and smart girls eat dinner alone..

Had a girl, asked me what I got for my parents last year xmas - couldn't remember for sure, told her what I thought I did. Turns out it was something different and I got that same lie crap from her and her sister.

I told them I don't remember what I had for breakfast either, and they can choose between pleasant conversation with lies, or stop asking questions.

Worked pretty well.
Permalink flash91 
January 17th, 2006
"...and smart girls eat dinner alone.."

And the dumb ones eat dinner with you, flash? (Sorry, couldn't resist that.)
Permalink cubiclegrrl 
January 17th, 2006
Damn, no wonder I can't find many smart girls.
Permalink Colm O'Connor 
January 17th, 2006
http://discuss.joelonsoftware.com/default.asp?off.9.287848.42

Welcome (sort of) to my world. (For anyone who's keepingg score, it's over in a technical sense, with only the technicalities to be worked out (I can't afford to move out immediately, and if I did the gf would be fucked anyway, and other mundane details).)
Permalink Mat Hall 
January 17th, 2006
It's kind of like Joel's rules for hiring people.

1) She's fat or ugly? That's a no hire.

2) She won't do X or Y in bed? No hire.

3) If candidate repeatedly accuses you of lying in such a manner as to make you think that they are mentally unbalanced, that's an automatic no-hire.

etc..
Permalink Bob 
January 18th, 2006
Just out of curiosity, Bob, are there any pictures of you up on the web? I'm interested to know whether you'd make the fat/ugly cut.
Permalink cubiclegrrl 
January 18th, 2006
For a brief second I thought there was an N between the U and T of "cut"...
Permalink Mat Hall 
January 18th, 2006
"And the dumb ones eat dinner with you, flash? (Sorry, couldn't resist that.) "

Yes, and Hell Yes.
Permalink flash91 
January 19th, 2006

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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