Reconciling assholes for nearly a decade.

Patriot Act at work

This couple planned a country wide attack on our home land. Here is the insider story how it has begun and how ended.

The duo was well prepared from the beginning. They new the profile of an extreme terrorist: Arabic male, age between 20 and 30 years. So they were born in Sweden 55 years ago just to avoid such profiling. The wife went even further. She was cold bloodedly born as a female.

The husband managed to be named not John Doe, but Bjoern Hanson. You, dear reader may think it is not important, but later will realize the significance of the name. Let’s not discuss the ruthlessness of the two young babies, how they terrorized their neighborhoods with crying or defecating even their own clothes. These are small details and you already suspect we are talking about a modern day Bonnie and Clyde.

So, jumping in time, this two wicked individuals met, married and a dangerous team was formed. They already had a bloody, treacherous plan. To hide their strategy they lived a law obeying life. On the surface they were hardworking people. Bought a house, melted to the neighborhood, gave to the society helped the needy. They even paid their taxes. There was one occasion though when their plots almost failed. The husband was caught driving 50 mph, 5 mph over speed limit. At that time he slightly escaped justice by attending traffic school.

Last year they thought time was right, so acted fast according to the satanic plan. They sold their house and unexpectedly did not loose money but had a capital gain. Now, here comes the most devilish part of their acts. They put their money to US Banks taking advantage of our country and the American people to earn about 4% interest. What a sneaky plan.

They spread the money to several banks. Casual readers may think the reason was to protect the money by FDIC but their true plan was to slip through every checkpoints. They were partially right. Only one bank had the courage, will and talent to catch them. They applied Section 326 of the USA Patriot Act and refused to take their dirty money. This bank realized it is better if this elderly looking couple will take the money to a less alerted foreign country to weaken another nation. The bank immediately broke the contract and sent the already deposited money back to the couple.

Here is the detail how this bank caught this shameful couple:

The bank used their own Customer Identification Program. Though this merciless gang spelled their names always the same way, bank employees saw through this tactic. With boring repetition the employees would loose alertness. Therefore the bank spelled their names differently on legal documents to keep alertness high. Sometimes they wrote “Bjoern” other times “Bjorn”

This vigilant policy was victorious. The couple was caught by crosschecks.

Unfortunately we don’t know exactly what happened. The bank holds its secrets, the only leaked information was “the Social Security Number did not match” (the bank refused to give out the exact numbers)

We investigated this fact and here is one possible explanation: The couple purportedly used very confusing SSN instead of a straight honest one, like 111-11-1111 or 222-22-2222. They hardheartedly have very complicated Social Security Numbers similar to this: 514-29- etc. causing major confusion to the bank. But again the bank was at least on orange alert. They probably descrambled one of the numbers giving the Credit Check agencies their bank approved version of the SSN. The bank employees’ hard work paid off and found the discrepancy in the SSN.

Congratulation XX Bank! You saved our country from these two brutal, merciless individuals.
Permalink V4GHB 
January 17th, 2006
Ok so what exactly is wrong with that? There is a system to detect potential fraud and money laundering? Its not like the FBI locked them away to Guantanimo for 50 years. They had their deposit denyed by one bank as a result of clerical errors showing foreign nationals with non matching documents and large amounts of money being spread over multiple banks?
Permalink Phil 
January 17th, 2006
Yeah what's wrong with suspecting people by default, regardless of whether a crime has been committed or is even suspected of having been committed?
Permalink Generic Error 
January 17th, 2006
Can I have the minutes of the speech please?
Permalink Vineet Reynolds 
January 17th, 2006
Fucking foreigners. Serves them right. I bet they stole some programmers jobs too. Bastards.
Permalink PanogX 
January 17th, 2006
If someone attempted to access my account and presented credentials with my name and SSN incorrect, I HOPE the bank would report them to the authorities... and if it was a huge amount they were trying to withdraw, I hope the authorities would spend some time with them and check them out.

Where's the problem?
Permalink KC 
January 17th, 2006
PanogX - They are US citizens, just like you.
KC - Don't be scared. They used their own SSN

"Ok so what exactly is wrong with that?"
Several things.

1. Sending back the money to them instead of freezing the account until everything clears defeats the purpose of the law.
2. The bank made a clerical error, the customers lost money. Should the law punish the innocent?
3. The base of a banking system is trust. Do you trust a bank where they refuse to resolve the problem and reimburse them?
3. There is a paper trail once an error had been made. Are they on some blacklist? They had excellent credit score. Is their credit ratings gone?
5. The cited law says: "form a reasonable belief that it knows the true identity of the customer." The husband on this joint account had been positively identified by the bank. Isn't it reasonable that the other person with same family name and same address is positively identified?
Permalink V4GHB 
January 17th, 2006
I dunno, this whole story is heresay, and the questions you are asking are entirely theortical. I've been screwed by banks long before the Patriot Act was in place so i'm not sure if it never existed everyone would have happy perfect relationships with banks.
Permalink Phil 
January 17th, 2006
>> I've been screwed by banks long before the Patriot Act was in place so i'm not sure if it never existed everyone would have happy perfect relationships with banks. <<

I used to work at a large bank, and I'm surprised the bank didn't screw something else up as well.
Permalink example 
January 17th, 2006
For once I'm in agreement with Phil.
Permalink Colm O'Connor 
January 17th, 2006

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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