Nobody likes to be called a dummy by a dummy.

"doing the decade:" what would YOU do?

During a previous job, we had a young (17-18) female temporary worker at the front desk. For background, I was 29 at the time, now I'm 31. We would often take our lunch break together and I would give her a ride to night school. Once in a while I'd run into her and her girlfriends in the clubbing/pubbing section of town,and they'd be totally drunk, and her friends would be drunkenly saying "oh my GOD! its YOU!! girlxxx is in LOVE with you?" I would just sort of grin and say hi, how are you doing.

It was always a bit awkward seeing her at work the next week after these episodes. I kind of could sense that she really was in love with me, or else really in LUST with me. I never did anything about this, because she was a fellow employee, and besides she was way too young... (perhaps illegal?)

Now I switched jobs. Hadn't seen the girl for about 3 months. Started receiving emails. Gave girl my phone number. I guess she's 19, and... really IS in love with me. For what reason, I don't know. But... should I care?

Anyway, it seems like a good bet to me, but I'm just wondering if me being 31 and she being 19 is too much of an age difference? I mentioned it to my sister (28) and she thinks I'm "gross." My guy friends however have a "DUUUUDE! SWEET!" response.

Anyway, I know what I'm going to do already. But wanted to see what other people thought. Has anyone ever had a relationship like this work out? Any tips? The only rule I'm following right now is "it is probably not going to work out, but just try to leave her in a good state when it ends."

This is probably the saddest place ever to post relationship queries, but i do read the articles, and thought maybe something other than the normal anal fissure, iraq sucks, i have a booger in my nose fare might be a nice change of pace.
Permalink  
August 17th, 2005
DUUUUDE! SWEET!
Permalink Your friend 
August 17th, 2005
"Once in a while I'd run into her and her girlfriends in the clubbing/pubbing section of town"

Have her bring a girlfriend. [grin]

Philo
Permalink Philo 
August 17th, 2005
I don't see what the problem is as long as she's legal. Sounds like you both like clubbing and pubbing so there you have a date activity.
Permalink Rich Rogers 
August 17th, 2005
Ask Rupert Murdoch if he has a problem with a wife half his age. He's 72.

No worries, mate.
Permalink trollop 
August 17th, 2005
She's going to seem really immature at times, which may make you feel really old around her.

But hey, why not try?
Permalink Yoey 
August 17th, 2005
Don't do it, if you plan on it being long and meaningful. It's not a matter of the age difference, its a matter of HER age. She's still a child in a womans body.

Unless of course you are still a child, in which case, you're PERFECT for each other.
Permalink Anon 
August 17th, 2005
There are plenty of 19 year olds more mature than 31 year olds. This could be one of those cases, especially if he chickens out.

Go for it, dude. Enjoy.
Permalink Aaron F Stanton 
August 18th, 2005
++DUUUUDE! SWEET!

Seriously, though, I'm about to turn 32 and I'm finding more and more that every time I meet someone great who's my age, it turns out that they're currently in a relationship, have just gotten out of a long-term relationship that they're still holding out hope of resurrecting, or are somehow flawed emotionally in a way which makes them a non-viable dating option, which is likely why they are still "available" to begin with. Obviously, this is merely one man's (possibly somewhat imagined and pessimistic) "trend", but I'm honestly starting to think I really screwed up by not dating more when I was in my early 20s...

So in other words, if I were you, I'd definitely consider your situation worth a shot.
Permalink bionicroach 
August 18th, 2005
"She's going to seem really immature at times, which may make you feel really old around her."

Assuming, of course, he's not immature.

I had a friend in University who was 39 and dating 20-something university students. And even some of them were more mature than him. (and I don't mean party all night and drink immature -- I mean life immature).
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 18th, 2005
"what would YOU do?"

And to answer that question: I wouldn't hesitate. But then, I am a bit of a perv -- or at least that's what my wife thinks.
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 18th, 2005
Life is too short and uncertain to worry about it.

The only plan is to minimise the number of times you think later 'I should have...'.
Permalink Simon Lucy 
August 18th, 2005
Do it, or don't. How the hell should we know?
Permalink  
August 18th, 2005
It's better to live a lifetime of regret for something you did rather than for something you didn't do...

Also, DUUUUUUDE, SWEET! :)
Permalink Mat Hall 
August 18th, 2005
As a blanket statement, that makes no sense. Murder. Heroin Addiction. Unwanted Children. Armed Robbery. Suicide. Self Mutilation.

All things you could regret not doing, but would regret doing more.
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 18th, 2005
You're misunderstandificating; it doesn't mean you *have* to do everything, just that if you're not sure whether doing it or not doing it would cause you more regret, your best bet is to do it anyway. Unless you're somehow regretting not murdering someone or not taking heroin the statement is reasonably sensible. :)
Permalink Mat Hall 
August 18th, 2005
"Unless you're somehow regretting not murdering someone or not taking heroin"

That's my point. These _are_ things you can regret not doing.
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 18th, 2005
I am 37. My girlfriend is 25. Together for 4 years now. Plan to get married next year.

YMMV
Permalink TS 
August 18th, 2005
If you are wondering what "people" would think you probably should'nt because all of that is just bullshit. Be clear about your intentions, and go for it.
Permalink Eric Debois 
August 18th, 2005
"These _are_ things you can regret not doing."

Er... The "better to regret..." thing only applies when, on the face of it, there's no discernable difference in potential regret levels. I find it hard to imagine that someone is ever going to be uncertain about the amount of regret that would stem from "killing" vs "not killing", so if you find it a difficult dilemma then I suggest seeking professional help.

Also, as it's only a proverby sort of thing, any complaints that it's a not universal rule are sheer idiocy. :)
Permalink Mat Hall 
August 18th, 2005
The impression I'm getting is that you may be embarrassed to be with her. If this is the case, then don't do it. It's not fair to her.
Permalink Kyralessa 
August 18th, 2005
Go for it!

Just make sure you and her both know that, as a rule, nothing lasts forever.

And then again, who knows? Maybe you'll become one of the exceptions :)

And I completely agree with Simon: "Life is too short and uncertain to worry about it."
Permalink Paulo Caetano 
August 18th, 2005
> Unless you're somehow regretting not murdering someone

I can think of several someones.
Permalink  
August 18th, 2005
As posted on here, it can work out. However, be aware that she is probably still at an age where she is likely still figuring out who she is, while you are probably mostly past that phase. If you are in it for the long haul, be prepared for growing pains.
Permalink Dr. Love 
August 18th, 2005
I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone that age, but I'd sure take them home.
Permalink I am Jack's infinite id 
August 18th, 2005
I dated an 18 year old when I was 25, and that was weird enough. Be prepared for tantrums, attempted sexual manipulation, and... well I guess pretty much everything you get from most grown women only much more transparent. Maybe that's refreshing. :-)
Permalink muppet 
August 18th, 2005
The phase during which you figure out who you are is called life, dude. I mean if you come to a point where you have defined your self life is pretty much over, is'nt it.
Permalink Dude passing by 
August 18th, 2005
if she's above average in intelligence and maturity, i don't think age should be an issue.
Permalink Kenny 
August 18th, 2005
Thanks for the interesting comments. To follow up with bionic roach and muppet: the last girl (woman?) I dated was 34, and would have public temper tantrums, would tell me I was a loser because I wasn't as rich as her last boyfriend (who made his fortune suing his former employer), lived at home with her mother (she was returning to grad school; I thought this was a practical temporary measure, but i think is a permanent situation), has never had a job, was pissed that I had to go to work, was pissed that I don't smoke pot, and so on and so forth . As far as I can tell, some women are going to act like bratty 8 year olds for their entire lives. I'm not sure about the 19 year old, yet.

Regarding embarassment. That is sort of an issue. I have a huge extended family and we have family get-togethers every year. I'm the oldest. I have about 10 cousins who are teen age girls ranging in age from 16-19. If I brought home a 19 year old, eyebrows will be raised... But for the time being, I'm not going to worry about that.

Anyway. I'm just going to go with the flow...
Permalink the OP 
August 18th, 2005
I dated a 21 year old when I was 27. She seemed young for being 21. I had been in the Navy and seen the world, and was finishing my degree by that point.

I think you tend to get a "you're so much more mature than me that you can take care of me" vibe out of relationships like this -- which is not necessarily a bad thing. I loved her a lot, actually.

We broke up after about a year of dating. The maturity thing did become an issue after awhile.

But I have no regrets about the choice I made -- it was a wonderful adventure, and I would have continued it to this day if things had worked out. Good times.
Permalink AllanL5 
August 18th, 2005
My wife is 8 years younger than I am. There is immaturity there but luckily I'm able to remember I acted about the same when I was her age so I don't let it bug me and realize she'll probably grow out of it as long as I'm patient. It's not immaturity like partying, more of lack of dicipline (which I still have myself) in some things and a little naiveity(sp?) due to lack of experience.

We've been married 3.5 years now. No kids yet.
Permalink RAH's Love Child 
August 18th, 2005
Run away. Run away screaming. While running away, knock over old women with walkers if it will allow you to run away faster.

This is a girl infatuated with the sexual power she has over an older man. Her giggly friends' babble should've been a ten-foot-high neon indicator. Unless you are in it strictly for the hop-hop-hop-hop, you are in for trouble.

The (lack of) maturity thing will drive you absolutely insane in no time. You will find yourself repeatedly trying to end your own life by stabbing yourself in the head with a fork.

Also flailing. Flailing while running away.
Permalink The Amazing Biff 
August 18th, 2005
"This is a girl infatuated with the sexual power she has over an older man. Her giggly friends' babble should've been a ten-foot-high neon indicator."

That's a lot of psychoanalysis to get out of very little information.
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 18th, 2005
> That's a lot of psychoanalysis to get out of very little information.

This Biff really *is* amazing.
Permalink Christopher Wells 
August 18th, 2005
> That's a lot of psychoanalysis to get out of very little information.

Nope, just saw it happen to a friend of mine, again and again. He probably could've paid his mortgage for a year with what he blew on giggle-girls (with whom, I might say, he had a slightly clammily inappropriate fascination).

My advice is worth that which you paid for it.
Permalink The Amazing Biff 
August 18th, 2005
Hmmm...mortgage for a year, giggle-girls...mortgage for a fear, giggle-girls...hmmm...

weighing them...

hmmm...

I know that a lot of guys would have a tough time making that call.
Permalink Aaron F Stanton 
August 18th, 2005
I feel like I've missed out... no giggle-girls for me... ;(
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 18th, 2005
They're not worth it.

Actually, I guess you kind of break even, assuming they're really good in the sack.
Permalink muppet 
August 18th, 2005
"assuming they're really good in the sack"

Which, empirically, they are not. Unless, of course, she's a total raving psycho... then it can be extra fun.
Permalink Straight Shooter 
August 18th, 2005
mmm...psychos...

right, muppet?

;)
Permalink Aaron F Stanton 
August 18th, 2005
psychos are incredible in the sack

the problem is that they know your name, address, and telephone numbers afterward.
Permalink muppet 
August 18th, 2005
> the problem is that they know your name, address, and
> telephone numbers afterward.

Kinda like Sathyaish (but without the afterward bit)
Permalink Dumas 
August 18th, 2005
"the problem is that they know your name, address, and telephone numbers afterward."

Only if you tell them the truth.

;)
Permalink Aaron F Stanton 
August 18th, 2005
That's why I have an anonymous, unlisted, untraceable cell phone whose number I can change on a dime at minimal cost, and effort.

That and the whole drug dealer thing.
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 19th, 2005
Mark... LOL

Agreed, psychotic women make the best lovers. I remember pulling off the interstate and doing it in the parking lot of this factory one time in the back seat of a Buick.... Damn.

I think I kinda want a psycho. I just want to control her meds, keep her sedated and amicable mostly and then let her rip every now and again.
Permalink I am Jack's sensual psycho 
August 22nd, 2005

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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