Reconciling assholes for nearly a decade.

If X made Y, they would call it Z

If Microsoft made toilet paper, they would call it Ass WiperTM.
Permalink Dennis Forbes 
August 29th, 2005
God, you just don't get it, do you?

That's MS Ass Wiper(TM) 2005, thank you
(btw, we had to drop nose-blowing capabilities)

Philo
Permalink Philo 
August 29th, 2005
Wow, that was quick. This post got booted off the main forum faster than Oprah chasing down a baked ham.
Permalink John Haren 
August 29th, 2005
And I heard you're more likely to get infected if you use the MS brand.
Permalink Jeff Barton 
August 29th, 2005
I deleted it off the main forum. :-) I accidentally posted there instead of here.
Permalink Dennis Forbes 
August 29th, 2005
If the Mozilla Foundation made toilet paper, they would call it Fire-something.
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 29th, 2005
If Apple made toilet paper, it would be called iWipe.

And it would be softer, more absorbent, and cost $11 a roll.

Oh, and it would be translucent.
Permalink John Haren 
August 29th, 2005
...and after the paper ran out, you'd have to ship the roll back to Apple and pay $60 to have more paper put on.
Permalink dead ipod battery 
August 29th, 2005
AHA- you have to be more creative. Besides, mozilla's pattern seems like nature force + animal to me (firefox/thunderbird). So I'm going with MudslideBunny.
Permalink Jeff Barton 
August 29th, 2005
Lol, but you'd hear a pleasing clicking sound when you used it.
Permalink John Haren 
August 29th, 2005
Jeff,
Thunderturd is the too, too obvious joke.
Permalink John Haren 
August 29th, 2005
If Richard Stallman made toilet paper, it'd be called GNAWTY, which is, of course, a recursive acronym meaning "GNAWTY is Not an Ass Wiping Tool Yet".
Permalink Aaron F Stanton 
August 29th, 2005
And each little sheet would be separate and independent of the others. It would be meant to be combined with other ass-wiping technologies, you see.
Permalink John Haren 
August 29th, 2005
If Borland still made software, they'd call it.. Oh, wait, Borland DOES still make software. Nevermind.
Permalink AllanL5 
August 29th, 2005
If Borland made it, you would only need one sheet, you could get sheets as you need them without needing the whole roll, and they would be really efficient.

Unfortunately, it would be called "Colussus", cost $50 a sheet, and you can only buy it where scientific calculators are sold.

Philo
Permalink Philo 
August 29th, 2005
Ouch.

You also have to be careful where you store your MS Ass Wiper(TM) 2005, because if it's kept in the linen closet next to the tissues and the paper towels, there's a 56% chance that it will contract a back-door trojan that will allow hackers to see your ASSets.
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 29th, 2005
"If Apple made toilet paper, it would be called iWipe.

And it would be softer, more absorbent, and cost $11 a roll.

Oh, and it would be translucent. John Haren "

... and it would only fit in Apple-designed toilet paper holders.
Permalink Dana 
August 29th, 2005
Nevermind that, you'd go to the Apple store to buy the dispenser/toilet paper integrated unit. And, while the toilet paper is softer, more absorbant, and dingleberry free, the roll would run out about 40% earlier than you expected, and after denying their iWhipe had any problems, they'd finally give in to a class action lawsuit and refund part of everyone's iWhipe purchase price.

It would also look something like this.
http://www.bit-tech.net/news/2005/06/10/itoilet_mod/
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 29th, 2005
If IBM made toilet paper, it would be called AssWarpSphere/2. It's be free, but you'd have hire a dozen consultants to get the actual wiping done.
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 29th, 2005
If my company made toilet paper, we'd make it just like our software. To use the TP, you'd first have to light a fuse which would set off a firecracker, which would scare a mouse, who'd begin running in his little habitrail wheel, which would be connected to a tiny generator, which would power an electromagnet which would attract a metal ball just enough to set it moving down a long, winding track. At the bottom of the track would be a toaster. The metal ball would depress the handle on the toaster, and in a few minutes, toast would pop out of the toaster, which would attract a dog with toilet paper attached to his tail. You would then have to stick your butt out as the dog ran for the bread with the toilet paper flying by. And as easy as that, you be clean as a whistle!
Permalink Godless Visigoth 
August 29th, 2005
If Lexmark made toilet paper, it'd only cost $0.28 per roll.

Of course, there'd only be 5 sheets on the USB-only starter roll, and you'd have to buy any replacement rolls from them, as 3rd party roll makers would be sued for violating the DMCA. The Lexmark replacement rolls would contain a generous 15 sheets, and sell for $27.99 each.
Permalink example 
August 29th, 2005
Godless, that reminds me of a demo we gave when I was at a previous company. After the demo, the prospective customer was asking about stability and scalability, which we answered with the standard disclaimers here and there. Finally the customer just asked "would you get on an airplane that was running your software?"

We answered "uh, sure" but the youngest guy on the team said "Absolutely, and I'd bring my family"

Happy smiles all around, meeting broke up.

Later, our PM came back to the bullpen and asked him "Dan, would you really get on a plane that you guys wrote the software to?"

He said "Yep - if this company wrote the software, it'd never get off the ground."

Philo
Permalink Philo 
August 29th, 2005
If Sony made toilet paper it would only work with Sony paper holders. It would come in 5 different similarly named types matched to a specific holder (ToiletStick, ToiletStick Pro, ToiletStick Duo, ToiletStick Duo Pro, ToiletStick w/ PottyGate) but which are all mostly incompatible with each other.
Permalink Almost H. Anonymous 
August 29th, 2005
If Google made the toilet paper, it would be called Poogle. It would be free and simple, but with advertising all over it. More specifically, it would have advertising of the food products that you are now shitting out. People would also wonder why no one has thought of toilet paper before.
Permalink Jared 
August 29th, 2005
> Poogle

Fantastic. Perfect even.
Permalink Jeff Barton 
August 29th, 2005
People would also speculate as to Google's end game: Are they going to attempt a violent overthrow of the toilet bowl market? Or perhaps the paper industry. Wasn't it just last year that they acquired some land in the pacific northwest? Could it be that they want to get into lumber? Or maybe they'll introduce enzymes into the toilet paper that will revolutionize the septic industry. Rampant speculation will abound, and when, a year later, Poogle is exactly the same, they'll speculate about Google's newest product: Gpets.
Permalink MarkTAW 
August 29th, 2005
"if this company wrote the software, it'd never get off the ground"

Heh. If only I didn't know how he felt :(
Permalink  
August 30th, 2005
>> "...Poogle..."

Where are the Poo-Post Police when you need them?
Permalink Godless Visigoth 
August 30th, 2005

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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