If Microsoft made toilet paper, they would call it Ass WiperTM.

God, you just don't get it, do you?

That's MS Ass Wiper(TM) 2005, thank you
(btw, we had to drop nose-blowing capabilities)

Philo

Wow, that was quick. This post got booted off the main forum faster than Oprah chasing down a baked ham.

And I heard you're more likely to get infected if you use the MS brand.

I deleted it off the main forum. :-) I accidentally posted there instead of here.

If the Mozilla Foundation made toilet paper, they would call it Fire-something.

If Apple made toilet paper, it would be called iWipe.

And it would be softer, more absorbent, and cost $11 a roll.

Oh, and it would be translucent.

...and after the paper ran out, you'd have to ship the roll back to Apple and pay $60 to have more paper put on.

AHA- you have to be more creative. Besides, mozilla's pattern seems like nature force + animal to me (firefox/thunderbird). So I'm going with MudslideBunny.

Lol, but you'd hear a pleasing clicking sound when you used it.

Jeff,
Thunderturd is the too, too obvious joke.

If Richard Stallman made toilet paper, it'd be called GNAWTY, which is, of course, a recursive acronym meaning "GNAWTY is Not an Ass Wiping Tool Yet".

And each little sheet would be separate and independent of the others. It would be meant to be combined with other ass-wiping technologies, you see.

If Borland still made software, they'd call it.. Oh, wait, Borland DOES still make software. Nevermind.

If Borland made it, you would only need one sheet, you could get sheets as you need them without needing the whole roll, and they would be really efficient.

Unfortunately, it would be called "Colussus", cost $50 a sheet, and you can only buy it where scientific calculators are sold.

Philo

Ouch.

You also have to be careful where you store your MS Ass Wiper(TM) 2005, because if it's kept in the linen closet next to the tissues and the paper towels, there's a 56% chance that it will contract a back-door trojan that will allow hackers to see your ASSets.

"If Apple made toilet paper, it would be called iWipe.

And it would be softer, more absorbent, and cost $11 a roll.

Oh, and it would be translucent. John Haren "

... and it would only fit in Apple-designed toilet paper holders.

Nevermind that, you'd go to the Apple store to buy the dispenser/toilet paper integrated unit. And, while the toilet paper is softer, more absorbant, and dingleberry free, the roll would run out about 40% earlier than you expected, and after denying their iWhipe had any problems, they'd finally give in to a class action lawsuit and refund part of everyone's iWhipe purchase price.

It would also look something like this.
http://www.bit-tech.net/news/2005/06/10/itoilet_mod/

If IBM made toilet paper, it would be called AssWarpSphere/2. It's be free, but you'd have hire a dozen consultants to get the actual wiping done.

If my company made toilet paper, we'd make it just like our software. To use the TP, you'd first have to light a fuse which would set off a firecracker, which would scare a mouse, who'd begin running in his little habitrail wheel, which would be connected to a tiny generator, which would power an electromagnet which would attract a metal ball just enough to set it moving down a long, winding track. At the bottom of the track would be a toaster. The metal ball would depress the handle on the toaster, and in a few minutes, toast would pop out of the toaster, which would attract a dog with toilet paper attached to his tail. You would then have to stick your butt out as the dog ran for the bread with the toilet paper flying by. And as easy as that, you be clean as a whistle!

If Lexmark made toilet paper, it'd only cost $0.28 per roll.

Of course, there'd only be 5 sheets on the USB-only starter roll, and you'd have to buy any replacement rolls from them, as 3rd party roll makers would be sued for violating the DMCA. The Lexmark replacement rolls would contain a generous 15 sheets, and sell for $27.99 each.

Godless, that reminds me of a demo we gave when I was at a previous company. After the demo, the prospective customer was asking about stability and scalability, which we answered with the standard disclaimers here and there. Finally the customer just asked "would you get on an airplane that was running your software?"

We answered "uh, sure" but the youngest guy on the team said "Absolutely, and I'd bring my family"

Happy smiles all around, meeting broke up.

Later, our PM came back to the bullpen and asked him "Dan, would you really get on a plane that you guys wrote the software to?"

He said "Yep - if this company wrote the software, it'd never get off the ground."

Philo

If Sony made toilet paper it would only work with Sony paper holders. It would come in 5 different similarly named types matched to a specific holder (ToiletStick, ToiletStick Pro, ToiletStick Duo, ToiletStick Duo Pro, ToiletStick w/ PottyGate) but which are all mostly incompatible with each other.

If Google made the toilet paper, it would be called Poogle. It would be free and simple, but with advertising all over it. More specifically, it would have advertising of the food products that you are now shitting out. People would also wonder why no one has thought of toilet paper before.

> Poogle

Fantastic. Perfect even.

People would also speculate as to Google's end game: Are they going to attempt a violent overthrow of the toilet bowl market? Or perhaps the paper industry. Wasn't it just last year that they acquired some land in the pacific northwest? Could it be that they want to get into lumber? Or maybe they'll introduce enzymes into the toilet paper that will revolutionize the septic industry. Rampant speculation will abound, and when, a year later, Poogle is exactly the same, they'll speculate about Google's newest product: Gpets.

"if this company wrote the software, it'd never get off the ground"

Heh. If only I didn't know how he felt :(

>> "...Poogle..."

Where are the Poo-Post Police when you need them?