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Are you American?

Are You American?

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.

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2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?

(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.

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3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

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4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

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5. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

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6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

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7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

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8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?

(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super-glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

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9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.

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10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?

(a) Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.

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11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars, do you:

(a) Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars
(b) Invent a new cleaner fuel
(c) Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions.

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12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:

(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.

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13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack. You should:

(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.

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14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:

(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.

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Answers...

If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced individual. If you answered mostly (C)'s then sorry, you are an American.
Permalink el 
January 4th, 2006
Eh. Tries much too hard.
Permalink Flasher T 
January 4th, 2006
I don't get the total fixation on the protective gear in American Football. Yeah, the whole "armor" thing was funny once, maybe. But let it go...

Philo
Permalink Philo 
January 4th, 2006
It's funny because the players look like utter wimps compared to the rugby boys.
Permalink Flasher T 
January 4th, 2006
Err, yeah. See it's funny when it has a grain of truth that strikes home and you chuckle a bit. This is way over top and ridiculous.
Permalink Mark Warner 
January 4th, 2006
There's a significant difference between American Football and Rugby, though -- in Rugby you can only tackle the guy with the ball and there are restrictions on how you can do it. In American Football you can tackle whoever you please, and can do so simply by running through them. No matter how tough you are, without some sort of protective gear you're going to get seriously injured if a 300-lb wall of solid muscle travelling at a sprint runs head-long into you...
Permalink Mat Hall 
January 4th, 2006
Not true, Mat! Real men can defy the laws of physics!
Permalink Mark Warner 
January 4th, 2006
Actually that's not true.
Its a matter of skill. Anyone who have played Football (american footbal i mean, here football == socer). If what you say would be true, then the smallest RB would be injured too often against the 400 lbs liners.
If you have played the game at least a semi-pro level you know what i mean.
Permalink Masiosare 
January 4th, 2006
While it's true that there are things you can do to moderate the impacts you'll take, the fact of the matter is that sooner or later you're going to get whaled on, and when you do, you'd better have some pads.
Permalink Mark Warner 
January 4th, 2006
Australian Rules football is a lot more fun than US football.
Permalink Peter 
January 4th, 2006
In Rugby they don't have pads. But then in rugby the people in the ruck aren't themselves covered in body armour...and from personal experience as a pikeman in the Sealed Knot it's the armour that hurts when they land on you.

Old pictures of American football players show little if any armour and I do wonder if there was a difference in the game as it was played then. The team size /substitution rules also mean that players are on the field a lot less than in other versions of football.

Possibly best if we avoid the subject of Florentine football which just a punch-up with goals as an excuse.
Permalink a cynic writes... 
January 4th, 2006
"Old pictures of American football players show little if any armour and I do wonder if there was a difference in the game as it was played then. "

There definitely was. Even in the last 10 years the game has changed significantly. Mainly because people are much heavier... it used to be rare to see a 300 lbs lineman, and now you pretty much need all 300 pounders. Its also a lot faster, and rougher. Hurting people is often part of the strategy, and defenses and much faster and destructive these days. Although a lot of the rules that hurt people originally are gone, with the introduction of the fair catch and roughing the qb and kicker penalties which are continually tweaked.
Permalink Phil 
January 4th, 2006
Modern Rugby shirts do include padding around the shoulders, its subtle but it is there and I'd cite that as a main cause of the increase in violent tackling there is now.

I used to work for an ex pro footballer and he was extremely respectful of rugby players, especially the handling skills and the flexibility to create rolling mauls. The tremendous skill in pro football is in getting the pass off and getting the reception. The tactics of blocking and fake running frequently cancel each other out.

Oh, and whilst it might seem as if you can hit anyone on the field in pro football there are strict rules about what kind of hit, how far away from the ball and the problems of holding.

You can appreciate both games for their individual qualities and merits.
Permalink Simon Lucy 
January 4th, 2006
There was a book called 'Revenge Effects' that dealt with the 'unintended cosequences of technology'. One chapter talked about how all the 'safety' equipment in american football has led to it being much more dangerous than say, Rugby. There was evidence and shit in the book... not that ?off is the place for that.
Permalink Star Wars Kid 
January 4th, 2006

This topic was orginally posted to the off-topic forum of the
Joel on Software discussion board.

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