Give ne back my hat!

When do you miss your parents the most?

So it's been 15 years since my mother died (my father is still alive at 92 but I was closer to my mother). I don't miss her that often but she never got to see me travel overseas which I'm about to do.  I don't have children so the whole grandchildren thing isn't an issue for me, personally.

What about you? When do you have that longing to share with them feeling that'll never be resolved?
Permalink Tristin 
November 12th, 2017 4:56pm
It's going to be my first Thanksgiving without my Mom. It's going to be tough.
Permalink Shylock 
November 12th, 2017 5:00pm
Knowing my dad's tastes in books, films and TV, when I see something suitable, I regret he isn't around to see it. He would have loved GoT and Westworld for example.
Permalink Zed 
November 12th, 2017 5:03pm
Oh Shylock definitely "my first ... since ... ". They're always the hardest, aren't they?
Permalink Tristin 
November 12th, 2017 5:13pm
I'm sure it will be.

I'm also due to finish saying Kaddish for her everyday. That's when I let go of the balloon...
Permalink Shylock 
November 12th, 2017 5:27pm
My dad died about 12 years ago. For years, I would occasionally get these dreams where he would call me and say he figured out a way we can talk  even though he's passed away. Always left me sad upon waking.
Permalink Home Despot 
November 12th, 2017 6:04pm
November in gaelic is named after the festival when the dead revisit the living.
Permalink Wick 
November 12th, 2017 9:39pm
@Home Despot
I used to have a dream where grandad (as he was to my kids) had died but that my dad was alive.
Like for you it was a sad one to wake up from.
Permalink Wick 
November 12th, 2017 9:42pm
> November in gaelic is named after the festival when the dead revisit the living.

AKA a month long observance of All Saint's Day.  Immediately preceded by the Day of the Dead A.K.A Halloween.
Permalink Send private email Bored Bystander 
November 12th, 2017 10:05pm
I wonder how Lotti's managing.
Permalink Tristin 
November 12th, 2017 10:58pm
My dad is 69. No man in my family has lived past 72. We don't talk anymore.
Permalink MS 
November 12th, 2017 11:23pm
My mother passed in the mid 1990s. My father, with whom I had a huge falling-out, passed in the early 2000s. Oddly, while I deeply loved my mother, I never really missed her after she was gone. There were a series of even more painful episodes inflicted on me by my immediate family in the next couple of decades that completely overshadowed that loss.

My father - in the end I was glad he was gone or at best indifferent.

I'll also be very meta and say that they both left unfinished messes that I had to clean up after they were gone that seriously damaged my wellbeing.

So I'd have to say that emotional callouses have blunted the pain of losing both.
Permalink Send private email Bored Bystander 
November 13th, 2017 12:13am
Never.
Permalink Yoda 
November 13th, 2017 3:34am
Both of mine are still alive although neither is a picture of health. Never been that close to them, they weren't abusive or anything but my dad is as thick as shit and my mum makes Ayn Rand seem quite moderate. It's wearing being around them.
Permalink libtard_uk 
November 13th, 2017 3:51am
I am in the middle of managing the aftermath.

Just got the papers of the notary that authorise me to handle all the formalities in the name of my sisters.

Do the taxes, that will run into next year.

This week I have an appointment with the bank to take over the account.

I spent a lot of time with my parents during their last years, spoke a lot with them of old memories, asked them about their parents and family.

Thinking of them reminds me of my own departure that will come one day.

For them, their actual death came at a time when their bodies had given up, they both extended the prognosis of their doctors by quiet some time, and I experienced their going away as something of a relief. An sad inevitability that had to happen.

The sadness for their demise I had already suffered during the several crises of their illnesses before they actually went away. And eventually I was grateful that it went relatively fast and quiet.
Permalink Lotti Fuehrscheim 
November 13th, 2017 5:28am
Never? That's sad
Permalink Shylock's Phone 
November 13th, 2017 8:59am
>My dad is 69. No man in my family has lived past 72. We don't talk anymore.

I'm sure you aren't entirely blameless for the rift and you'll be sorry if you don't try to reconnect.

I saw my dad almost every day for the last dozen years of his life and he played a big role in my kids lives.
Now I can talk to my kids about him and have a laugh at his ways. He used to conspire with them against the wishes of their mum and I.
Permalink Wick 
November 13th, 2017 9:20am
> >My dad is 69. No man in my family has lived past 72. We don't talk anymore.

@Wick

> I'm sure you aren't entirely blameless for the rift and you'll be sorry if you don't try to reconnect.

Please don't blame the victim.

When it involves a senior family member, assume that the older person has had more time to get their head and thinking straight and that they had a far greater role in the dysfunction.

More life experience should mean you handle things wisely. If you don't, I say "fuck you" to the older family member. The old man is probably mostly to blame.

In short, it takes two to tango.
Permalink Send private email Bored Bystander 
November 13th, 2017 12:07pm
Wick needs to drop the leave it to beaver routine. Glad you lived in pleasantville. Trust that it’s not like that everywhere.
Permalink X 
November 13th, 2017 12:17pm
The argument wasn't bad and he didn't do anything too terrible. My issue is that every holiday my siblings report that he's still a mean old pain in the ass. Always was. And now he's rich and retired. I'm neither and I just had my first child. I simply don't have time for his shit. I'll see him at his funeral.
Permalink MS 
November 13th, 2017 12:55pm
@BB

"In short, it takes two to tango."

That's more or less what I said too.
But when the dad is dead only the son can have regrets.

@X
away and boil your heid, you tool.

@MS
Fair enough, you know best for your situation.
Permalink Wick 
November 13th, 2017 3:50pm
"I'm neither and I just had my first child."

What did you do with the previous crop, Mup?
Permalink Yoda 
November 13th, 2017 5:14pm
He sold them into sex slavery to help pay for his fake Wookie fur.
Permalink Z 
November 13th, 2017 5:18pm
I see. Poor Sarah.
Permalink Yoda 
November 13th, 2017 5:39pm
> That's more or less what I said too.
But when the dad is dead only the son can have regrets.

Generally there's some deep seated issue that's blocking reconciliation. MS was already clear that he found his father unpleasant, arrogant and insufferable.

My father pretty much indicated that he saw no value in me or his relationship with me toward the end of his life. He took actions that abundantly made that feeling clear. What the hell do you do with something like that? I wasn't going to crawl on my belly to reconcile. And I really tried. I despised him for all of it. I acknowledge that now.
Permalink Bored Bystander 
November 13th, 2017 5:48pm
@BB
Sorry, I didn't know that.
That's horrible
Permalink Wick 
November 13th, 2017 6:22pm
My parents have been gone for 20 and 35 years.

The last one it was quite rough after I lost them. I was the primary and only caretaker the last several years.

But now, looking back, I see all the hate and abuse and terror of growing up. The total lack of appreciation for or interest in my accomplishments. Instead a sort of resentment for them, as I was the first to go to college, I realize now they didn't really like that.

My life is a lot better since then. I've met people with nice families and seen better examples.

I never miss either of them at all.
Permalink Anon for this 
November 13th, 2017 8:33pm
"My father pretty much indicated that he saw no value in me or his relationship with me toward the end of his life."

In their last year of life one of my parents sent me a really long hand written letter seething with hate about all the ways they felt I was a complete and total failure, loser, worthless piece of shit, etc.

It was a bizarre piece of fiction. There wasn't a single thing in it that I said, "Oh gosh there's some truth to that, I'm sorry I did that." Instead it was filled with fabrications and hallucinations of their interpretation of me throughout their entire life starting when I was a baby.

The letter was sent to me while I was in college and doing well.

The letter made me physically sick. I put it away. Years later after the parent had passed I found it in some old papers and read it and was absolutely horrified by it. I decided to throw it away.

I regret throwing it away. There are now genealogy sites and this person has glowing wonderful things written.

I really really really want to have been able to scan this handwritten letter in and upload it to several of these family trees.
Permalink Anon for this 
November 13th, 2017 9:19pm
> I regret throwing it away.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!!!!

</irony>
Permalink Bored Bystander 
November 14th, 2017 11:52am
What makes you think they wouldn't believe the letter, Anon?
Permalink Yoda 
November 14th, 2017 4:34pm

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